To Questioning

To questioning. May it drive us forth to be curious and seek the most in life.
Purpose

Is it coincidence
That dreams seem longer each time
Our eyes fall with the sunsets
And new mornings from dreams arise?
That each moment is eternal
And stretching ever longer,
But also thinner than a hair
And gone as quick as it’s observed…

Purpose.
Searching, Searching, searching.
Asking if effort is worth it
Feeling breathless, restless, cold sweats
Lying in bed at 4 am.
Worried.
About letting life go
As much as if it has purpose at all.

Searching, searching, searching,
But not finding
Wasting away in the sands of time
Drowning, dying, falling behind.
Idle living, rotting mind.
And I lay awake at night,
Worried.
About how much I worry
About time spent dreading time spent in dread,
About time that could be spent doing instead.
About how hard it is, to go and do.

This idle eddy on the rivers edge
Has trapped me,
Cyclic, fear and dread and worry
Breeds more worry and fear and dread—
Until the sand has drained
And I drown, breathless.
After the time spent restless,
A final rest.
Terrified of even trying
Has me desire a shortcut
To the end of the day,
biding my time,
Until I close my eyes,
Succumb to night.

 Caught: In a race against time
Even though I know no way to rewind
I still try,
And wonder if nights spent crying
Could ever sway me from my fight.

Searching, searching, searching,
Finding, but not finding,
That the problem was searching.
That finding the secret because it was hiding
Is what has given my life it’s purpose.
That my time is worth it, in any sense
Because I proved that I have the strength
To break the chains of idle currents,
But accept the flow of the river ahead.
For we cannot skip to days end,
We cannot fixate on distant horizons...
The answer to searching
Is simply:
Now.

Not some red X marks the spot,
Not some sacred hallowed ground
Or heaven, not even those pearly gates
Nor doors to paradise can ever be found.

The fulfillment I’ve been looking for.
To think,
It almost had me drown.

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